BROKEN

I have never entertained any thoughts or the premise that I may share the sentiments of my professor about how his beloved mother never got to see him graduate as an engineer even when he did all the best he could. Just a few months until my graduation, this night I heard my mom saying things to my brother, "I'm bleeding...", "I was advised not to work and that I might be operated..." and all I could do is try hard not to cry. My mind keeps on telling me, NO THIS IS NOT HAPPENING. IT'S NOT TRUE. NOT TRUE. NOT HAPPENING.

It was hard to imagine but I know in my heart I'll graduate on time and that I'll be living with my parents for a long time so I could give back to them. After all their hardwork for me, for us three children. And now, there's just so many possibilities that can happen. I realized I have never prayed to God that both my parents get to see me graduate but now that's all I want to pray for because I didn't know it may not be possible as I thought.

My parents are the kindest, loving and understanding people I know despite all our shortcomings especially my mama. And I love her so much I just can not take this. I don't want a life without my mama.

Please do pray for my mama. Please.

I hate how fake this life I'm living. How I try to cope up by wanting others' lives and try blending in, with all the shallowness of it; when there are difficult battles around that each of us need to face. Yet, we fake and fake through all of it. Because it's ugly and messy. And the world doesn't want reminding because it's already fake and ugly on its own.

My heart just keeps on breaking every day in both conscious and subtle ways.