Battle Cry

What do you do when everything is falling apart?

Having a lot of testimonies that I heard from different people whom God changed lives and were transformed by His saving grace, I became a sucker to have my own story to tell. I remember saying to my Dgroup leader that my greatest fear is not being able to stand firm when my testing time comes. That was what I always want her to pray for me, a strong faith anchored on Jesus. I know that I haven't experienced a really great tragedy that shook my faith and I always fear that moment when it might come. Would I be an overcomer shouting God's praises? or would I be a sore loser pitying her own self? those were my bothering questions.

I've never battled with hard-life problems. Sure, sometimes finances get short and my grades weren't always great but I knew God is still in control. He never failed to supply my needs and my family's. He was my help. I graduated in a private school during my elementary years (All by God's grace, and it involved a lot of promissory notes) then in a science high school, which is solely by His grace alone again obviously, from entrance to graduation. And since I already mentioned it, I grew up in a complete family who knew God. For which I am eternally grateful. I couldn't imagine living any other life especially without a Saviour. I would've been in the streets or what. 

But I knew that would never happen for my God is not a god of chances and mistakes as if life is a game. I barely remember this pathetic funny elementary game we used to do where we list of 3 or 5 things per category such as name (of a girl or boy--whom we like or have a crush on), type of house (bungalow, mansion, kariton), car, number of kids, etc. Then you draw a spiral thingy. After that you count the number of the rings on the spiral. With the number you start crossing things out when you go through your list, the last thing left that wasn't ticked off per category is your fate. It's similar to FLAMES but it levelled up to family edition. And I believe God didn't designed my life that way. I know it has a purpose. My life here was God's choice and I am lucky I was one of the chosen ones for I get a shot to be His child and be reunited with Him again someday.

These are the things I believe in and I continue to live with. But dark times do really happen. I realized there are various shades of dark like how each person have different perceptions of dark too. There's a tunnel-kind of dark, a midnight-kind of dark, a closed-bathroom-kind of dark (which my sunday school kids are afraid of) and a black-out-kind of dark on a nighttime- which you cannot enjoy. To which James 1:2-4 is just so hard to internalize. As if you've been deprived of everything. It leaves you utterly helpless with whatever you have. And maybe I'm seeing myself in a black-out-kind of dark.

My heart is silently grieving, calling out a faint cry for help. I've never seen things getting out of hand like this. Personal testimony, relationships, academics and my family is at stake as if my whole future is crumbling away to bits and pieces of rubble. My fear is inexpressible.

Our senior pastor said that we have two areas of concern, the ones within our control and the ones outside our control. And I am now realizing how hard it can be to battle with matters outside my control. For these are the areas only God can deal with. No amount of human strength, knowledge, money and willpower can be able to solve them.

I want to give up so badly- the bad kind of giving up, because misery is just so within reach and tempting. I couldn't count the ways of how I despise life and living right now. How every demand and pressure is just so insatiable and how dealing with people can be so exhausting. But I know there's a good kind of giving up, which is my only ray of sunshine and hope in the dark--- surrendering all my fears, doubts, problems, weaknesses, stupidity, iniquities, inadequacies and even my future to God. A God who is all-powerful, all-knowing, all-sufficient and all-sovereign.

I look up to the mountains-
does my help come from there?
My help comes from the Lord,
who made heaven and earth!

He will not let you stumble;
the one who watches over you will not slumber.
Indeed, he who watches over Israel
never slumbers or sleeps.

The Lord himself watches over you!
The Lord stands beside you as your
protective shade.
The sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon at night.

The Lord keeps you from all harm
and watches over your life.

The Lord keeps watch over you as you come
and go,
both now and forever.

Psalm 121

I cannot see my self in the fullness of light, yet.

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