Lost Series

I started the year 2015 in a bad tone.

I sugar-coated everything but deep inside I wasn't happy nor thankful. I guess everything just piled up to that time and to this moment. But I carried on. Dragged myself every waking day because I was expected to comply. And I did them with a lot of compromises I never imagined I would do in my life.

Growing up, people knew me as the happy kid. I am  all shy at first but I'm a crazy whack who laughs uncontrollably when I get, too, comfortable. That was Genesis. The girl who can easily make friends. The one who never talks back, never voices up her opinions to the point that she couldn't fight for what she wants and thinks is right. The girl who regard sundays highly and believes in bible reading.

Slowly, I realize, college ate me up.

I like learning new things. New things amazes me, like a little kid. But college isn't such a fun one. It takes away the joy in learning. In my point. It became beating deadlines, complying to each and every professor's requirement, waking up at ungodly hours to do school stuff, occasionally opting not to take a bath just to be in your 7:30 AM class or you'll end up sitting outside the door for 3 hours, going home late and stinky, mastering the skill of sleeping on the ride home, walking to the door like a zombie, sleeping in the couch or laptop table or your bed- in your undies, choosing who you spend your time with and compromising, a lot.

Though, college showed me the things I could do that I didn't know I could do. I accomplished things while being other things at the same time. I mean, there are so many people out there who could do way better but I have always underestimated myself. But looking back, boy, I couldn't say I was the one who did them.

Just for this semester, I (and my classmates) organized a 3-day event for CORES and managed 3 project defenses in a month. Complete with panelists, tokens, and food preparations. 1 title defense for our Design Project 1 class. Then after a week, 2 major defenses again. 1 for Operating Systems where we had to do a simulation and GUI for the different CPU Scheduling Algorithms. And lastly, Website Development for a legit client in our Advanced Web elective. These were all in 1 month wherein we also had our final exams and departmental exams. The month where I mindlessly ran for office in the mother organization of our department and had to do campaigns in between.

Everything wasn't flawless. I had my own share of shortcomings. But sometimes things makes me want to pull my hair out. A lot of times, I clashed with people whenever I don't get what I expected or just plain tired and pressured. I became a whiner, backstabber, depressed, boastful, arrogant, annoying, disrespectful, angry and sad girl. After saying a bad thing/ shouting at a person or people, I get so shocked inside and I'll tell myself "how did I become such a horrible person/monster". Every thing I did wasn't so praise-worthy after all. I subjected other people in such negativity just to finish a task. When I felt bad, I wanted other people to feel bad too. I had to get things my way.

I neglected my discipleship group and basically, God. I didn't even have the time to pray; except during exams etc. Whenever I have time to read my bible, I choose not to and rather listen to my playlist with being too tired as an excuse. Well, I also thought what could God probably say to me by reading the bible, I feel like it wouldn't be so relevant in my current situation. But I know, I needed Him. I needed someone to comfort me, to give me hope and strength because every day isn't something I look forward to. I just want to quit and give up. I cannot find purpose and happiness. I mean, yes, I do accomplish things but then what? I have so many fears and doubts that until now I cannot answer. I have so many questions about myself and my character that are still unresolved. Too many feelings and emotions bottled up. I wanted a psychiatrist or a psychologist or any counselor because I felt like I have so many personal issues that I don't even know. That's why I see myself as a fat and ugly and horrible person. That's why I disrespect people and loathe them. 

I cry, I eat, I sleep. But nothing makes me feel better. No food taste good. Every laughter and happiness is short-lived. I could not lie to myself anymore because I know I've been lying to myself for a long, long time. And now it's all backfiring. I need to come clean. Most times I wanted someone to tell me they needed me and they love me. I wanted someone to talk to and tell me everything will be okay. Even though I know deep inside I am not happy and I can never love someone.

God made me win in the elections, I am now the student organization's Auditor. A position I know little of. And I even aced one of the departmental exams. I am so confused with everything. I was expecting of punishment and hardships because I turned away from God. I am losing faith every day not that I want to but I just feel so distant. I cry myself to sleep because I always quench the Spirit and I'm hardening my heart towards God and it's terrifying more than I could admit. I have so many things I don't know about Him and things I know of Him that are wrong. I don't understand how I can't just trust His goodness and not live in ifs and buts.

I don't know how to get out of my situation. I'm scared to die because I know I'll be the saddest person to die tonight because I cannot forgive myself and love everybody else.

I found this song and it makes me want to go down my knees and just cry out to God because I'm so lonely in this life right now and I badly want to believe.

I bought the world

and sold my heart

You traded heaven

to have me again

Come sweep me up

in Your love again

And my soul

will dance

on the wings of

Forever