When You Mess Up

For the record, I'm quite a fast learner at Messing Up Academy where I major in Sometimes I Just Forget I Have Convictions and I also take minor classes in Say What Ya Wanna Say, Do What Ya Wanna Do and Stoop So Low.

I go home and I feel so baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.

I don't know where to start because I've been here for a couple of times but I really do not learn. Today started quite good. I wasn't late for my class, the traffic (thank God!) was unbelievably light and I just feel good about myself this morning compared to any other day this semester. Things got rowdy on my second class. My classmates were reporting and we had some activities. I was participative and was just going with the flow. On the 2nd activity, I got louder and tried to be more funny like my other classmates. I was quite conscious that my (witty) comebacks were getting mean so I tried smiling and laughing instead. There are just times that you get lost in the joking scene that you find yourself already mad. For the last activity, we had a supposed to be friendly debate about what to choose: the one who loves you or the one you love. This was in connection on how to make decisions in the workplace. Even when the debate proper haven't started, I was already thinking about my take on it while hearing my classmates' points.

When I heard that there were people who chose to choose the one who loves them, I started getting annoyed at some level. I was thinking that these people were too shallow, selfish and has self-esteem problems. I created points in my head like: What do you really think love is, isn't love about being selfless, loyal and faithful?, Maybe you are not content and already complete by yourself, Why are you even capable of loving, isn't it because you already have an overflow that you wanted to give it away, Love isn't just romantically inclined to consume or take a person and etc. There came a point when I tried to rub off someone else with little words and it wasn't so nice.

I didn't want to speak at first because I felt like I don't need to stoop down to some petty stuff. But I did made some little retorts on my seat that I personally feel like it was ungraceful. Hearing their rebuttals, I felt the rush and agitation in my muscles. I was nauseous too. I wanted to say something. Like I wanted people to hear about what I believe in. Maybe I wouldn't give God away but I would imply His love. Until I really gave in.

I don't do debates. I suck at debates. Debate loathes me because I can't make genuine strong points that I can take a strong stand with.

But this time, I took it personal. Way toooo personal. I started it with: "You are not defined by who loves you but by what you love." I didn't even finish it with a strong one because I was too emotional. A good friend of mine told me I should enable my built-in Mind-to-Mouth filter always.
 
And I felt so shallow and foolish.

Avoid foolish, worthless talk that only leads to more godless behavior. 2 Timothy 2:16

That was my last night's bible reading. Wow, I really messed up in applying what I have read. No matter how good and noble my intentions were, I still did not follow my convictions of staying holy and pure in words and actions. I didn't show the character of Jesus who never attacked pharisees by His righteousness and words. Instead, Jesus always choose mercy, grace and humility. Since reading a blog entry about the story of the woman caught in adultery in the Bible, I saw Jesus and His love in a whole new light. In our frank foolishness, Jesus does not rub our stupidity in our faces, instead He let's us realize it by ourselves with His arms wide open to forgive us and let us experience another chance to do the right things.

I was too consumed with my own fear and foolishness in that activity. Because I know I was my own selfish, shallow and lacking in self-esteem person. In my own fear of dysfunctional and painful relationships inflicted by the opposite sex, I used my head and mouth to say words that made me feel like I'm creating some protective walls with it around me. And I secretly wanted other people to do the same. Most of the times, we know what is bad and what we do not like but we always have a way of falling into our own traps. 

 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,  gentleness and self-control. Galatians 5:22-23

It is true, self-control by our mere selves is futile without the Holy Spirit. I thought I was praying hard but it doesn't always mean I gave my full trust that God will have His own way and own time to convict other people with the truth. I pried with God's plan. Sometimes people doesn't need witty, wisdom-like, self-righteous words from us. They just need extra grace and gentleness, like I needed.

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