I know I didn't quite got the right lyrics during those moments but there was guilt and sadness in me every time I hear it, multiple times that day.
Oh, Jesus, friend of sinners
Open our eyes at the end of our pointing fingers
Let our hearts be led by mercy
Help us reach with open hearts and open doors
Oh Jesus, friend of sinners
Break our hearts for what breaks Yours
I've always felt like I was a bad person. But usually it was rooted to what I think people think of me. I was bad because I was not a good daughter, sister, student, classmate and friend. I always disappoint and let others down. But it's different to really seeing your faulty and ill character in God's standards. I am a sinner ever since I was born into this world, because of the original sin. I am a sinner because I get angry with my brother and sister which led me to shouting and cursing at them (I also bit my brother's cheeks back then because of rage.) I am a sinner because I loathe, I get jealous and have deep insecurities with other people. I am a sinner because I cheat and I lie. I am a sinner because I am lazy and disobedient. I am a sinner because I dishonor my parents. I am a sinner because I trade my convictions with convenience. I am a sinner because I don't regard God's holiness with utmost honor and value in my life.
As the Scripture say,
"No one is righteous-
not even one.
No one is truly wise;
no one is seeking God.
All have turned away;
all have become useless.
No one does good,
not a single one."
Romans 3:10-12
There came a point in my life (and I still do experience) when I saw myself as a hideous, evil, dirty, filthy, filthy creature in the eyes of God. Sometimes, I just want to vanish like a bubble popped in thin air so that I wouldn't have to bear the agony of being an evil version of myself. Sometimes, it feels so hopeless when you're stuck in your body stuck in this world. I have been so blinded by the darkness in this world that sometimes I wanted to lose myself in it. To trade the light in my eyes and fully embrace the dark side because the evil taunts and haunts me, 24/7. It tells me that I wouldn't always be enough, that my labor will be and is always in vain, and there really is no hope.
You used to live in sin, just like the rest of the world, obeying the devil- the commander of the powers of the unseen world. He is the spirit at work in the hearts of those who refuse to obey God.
Ephesians 2:2
But I was blessed to be redeemed (and still be daily redeemed) by a faithful and merciful God, who sent His son Jesus Christ to this frightful world of evil just to show how much He cares and loves His special created beings. He did not withheld what was pure and special to Him as a father to be spit on, shamed, mocked, and brutally hurt by the same beings He wanted to save and treasure. The irony and mystery of His love.
God sent His Son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.
John 3:17
He is full of mercy and kindness that despite of all I did, He chose to love me and give me life as He raised His Son, Jesus Christ, from the dead. It is in His grace and hope that He placed in my heart that I was saved.
God saved you by His grace when you believed. And you can't take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God's masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do good things He planned for us long ago.
Ephesians 2:8-10
I was saved because I have a purpose- to live a life pursuing the things God planned for me to accomplish. It is a bliss to know that I am cherished enough to have a special task to do. But I always find myself constantly struggling and frustrated. As the song goes,
We cut down people in Your name,
But the sword was never ours to swing.
Jesus, friend of sinners.
The truth's become so hard to see
The world is on their way to You
but they're tripping over me.
Always looking around
But never looking up.
I am so double-minded.
A plank-eyed saint with dirty hands
And a heart divided.
I never wanted to be a stumbling block to any person in this world from really coming to know the good and blameless Christ. I don't ever want to be a stereotypical "Christian" who leads more people away from Christ than to Him because of his thoughts that leads to his words and actions. I struggle from wrapping myself up with people's expectations and thoughts about me that I forget how I am really seen by God who's my Creator. I hate the fact that I experience God's love and His goodness yet suffer from the problems of this world (which I always mentally note as #PaganProblemsAgaaain.) I am so sick of offering a heart divided to God who deserves only the best and my whole being.
Jesus, friend of sinners.
The one who's writing in the sand
Made the righteous turn away
And the stones fall from their hands
Help us to remember we are all the least of these
Let the memory of Your mercy
bring Your people to their knees
Nobody knows what we're for
Only what we're against when we judge the wounded
What if we put down our signs crossed over the lines
And loved like You did
I am in tears in those song verses when I knew the lyrics and the story it was taken from. I go back to my favorite real story of a woman caught in adultery redeemed by Jesus written in the book of John, chapter 8. When the teachers of the religious law and the pharisees brought a woman to be shamed in front of a large crowd and Jesus since being caught having relations with a man that is not her husband, Jesus did not judge her. If I were Jesus, I would feel disgust towards the woman. If I were Jesus, I would basically tell every person I meet stupid (even just in my head) and that I wouldn't want them to share eternity in Heaven. I was evil but Jesus was not. He did the complete opposite. My heart broke when I read that it was written, "but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with His finger," in verse 6. He stooped down when every seemingly righteous person was standing like towers, bad-mouthing, stones at their hands and ready to throw at the woman.
"All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!" was Jesus' reply. And one by one people left. Because that is what we all do, think of ourselves better than others. I like to blame people. I like to see other's mistakes and judge them by those. Most of the time, I have this righteous mindset that kicks in when I find an advantageous opportunity. And I hate myself for that. I, who made so many mistakes in her life and has nothing to boast about can even have the guts to think of such things while Jesus stoops down to the ground.
He stooped down just like how He sacrificed himself, to be beaten and crucified to death even if we are so proud of ourselves that we don't need Him, for us to be saved. I couldn't grasp God's unconditional love. I couldn't grasp how He could love such immoral and wicked people.
In the story, He did not just lowered himself once but twice. That's how He showed how much He loves and accepts the woman despite of what she has done. When everyone had left and Jesus was the only one left beside the woman, He didn't took a stone to throw at the woman since He was the only one who was valid to do so. Instead, He asked about the woman's welfare because of her accusers. This was when the woman somehow realized what was lacking in her that He found in the man in front her, which she never found in any man she's been with, or basically any other person she met. I like to think that it was love. Everyone wants to be loved. Everyone seeks for true love. A love that endures, cares, nurtures and is full of kindness and goodness. A love that keeps no record of wrong and does not condemn you for being who you are. A love that accepts you for your whole being and not just because of your physical appearance or what you can do. It's hard to love like how God loves. That is what she found in Jesus that she called Him Lord.
I was the lost cause
And I was the outcast
You died for sinners just like me,
A grateful leper at Your feet.
I am the unliked one. I am the unloved one. I am not the chosen one. I am but a mere dust in this world. But Jesus chose to die for me. Jesus accepted me when I could not offer Him anything. Jesus chose to love me when I was unlovable. Jesus chose to forgive me when I was unforgivable. And I couldn't be more grateful to Him for showing me such grace and love despite of my past, my present and my future.
He has offered friendship to a sinner like me.
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| (c) Natalie Okleshen |
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